i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
