What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
