We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
