I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize