how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
