Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
