U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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