you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
