Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
