One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Come see our sink grown plant.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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