I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
