Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
