I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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