I think my vagina is haunted
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
