Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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