Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
