I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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