So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
