I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
