Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize