Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
