not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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