i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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