I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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