I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
