Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There was a lot of him and a little penis
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
