I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
