My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
