just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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