life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize