Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
