Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
