we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
