During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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