the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize