let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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