you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
