Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
