he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I enjoy the company of your penis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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