Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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