ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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