I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
