Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
and you fell through a lawn chair
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
