We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
