i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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