It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
