What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
