the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
