then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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