I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
