I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
