So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
