Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
