i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
