he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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