I skipped work to stalk him.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
