I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
