oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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