I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
