in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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