You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was confusing and full of hummus
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
