wake up i wanna do it froggy style
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
