There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
